Equilibrium

I have found myself sinking into depression again. Funny how it turned out this way, especially after a 2-week trip back to Europe to see friends. Or maybe I should have known that I'd turn out like this even before I went on holiday. I enjoyed my holiday but there were too many changes on that continent over the past 3 years that I cannot really accept as part of reality. This had me re-evaluating and contemplating how what I considered once a place where I could escape all the banalities of everyday life, isn't as perfect anymore. In other words, it seems my dream has been broken and I have to reconfigure things in my life. The equilibrium on which I based my everyday sanity is out of balance. I don't feel like seeing anyone at the moment here nor do I have the desire to go out. I am just living pathetically at the moment. Sleeping, going grocery shopping, cooking a supper that is a real proper supper and 3 times a week, go to do that travail minable. If I am not depressed, I don't know what I am.

Alas, it is screwing up parts of my life (missing appointments because I just don't feel like going out at all since there's nothing interesting out there to see); but it is allowing me to figure out things, evaluating self (such as having that crush for a year, which, I can say, I am happily over it now). One would say that I am self-deprecating right now or that I am resenting the world I am living in, hating people in my surroundings. I cannot say that they are wrong. That has been how I feel all along. I am just don't feel like playing the part designated to me in the society at the moment. I am not able to play it well, I know. And this could induce worse conquences if I did force myself into fitting myself in the role. Self-searching. German.