Meditação

Looking at old pictures from the last days in Canada (didn't have much anyway, since I believed in photographic memory) and I found this. It suits my mood at the moment. Staring out at the water and contemplating on something trivial, anything at all. I think these are lines from a film called "Next Stop Wonderland" starring Hope Davis. Film magnifique, because it talked about coincidence and destiny with a soundtrace of Bossa Nova music. The film came out almost 10 years ago, I guess...the good old days.

That's exactly what I am thinking about today. I feel like I have been abandoned by life (I don't even know if this is the right phrase to describe how I feel at the moment but this is what keeps coming out of my head for the whole evening). I think I have been trying too hard to get used to life in this country, much too hard that I lost my self identity. I hold back a lot more things when I am talking to somebody. First, nobody'd understand my references (if someone can get my Simpsons' six-degree of separation reference, I'd kiss that person right away) since I was raised in different cultures (three at least...which seems like an advantage for many but it actually annoys me a lot). At times like this, I used to ring up Jim because he just listened to me go on and go on without complaining (he does that as well so it's a quite fair). I don't think I can ring up someone here to talk about crap since it'd require them to understand certain important events in the 90's.

I become less and less talkative here. There are people around me but I can't fully communicate with them. That's why I like those getaways to Tokyo because I don't know anyone there.

I think I still need some water near me; the rivers here are ugly, I can't bare staring at them (plus with all the traffic and people talking loudly...don't get me started on how loud Chinese people talk). I like staring at Tokyo Bay and the rivers in the city, the lake in Neuchatel and yes, the creek or the strait in Vancouver. It's soothing. It's helped me to get through quite a few things in life. I've got to find something else here that does the same thing.

OK, I admit I'm going through a depressing stage at the moment. Too many reasons as usual. And the weather isn't helping. It finally turned autumn here and autumn weather, though I love it, still has that unfathomable (is that a word?) power to make me think too much.

'Course it doesn't help that I keep listening to rather pathetic music (at times like this, even disco and Saint Etienne don't even do the tricks...I mean, how can someone get depressed by listening to The Hustle?)