Serious Thoughts After London
12 years not visiting London. 8 years after leaving Vancouver. 5 years since going to an anglophone city. It's been really hard on me, honestly.
I can't say that I deeply hate being in Taiwan, but not speaking English means not being able to express the common humour or logic shared by anglophones. But one may wonder: "Aren't there people who speak in English here?" Indeed there are, but it isn't the same as having a chat with the local grocer about banal topics, or lightly discussing a play during intermission. It's about daily routine, doing things via ways that I know well and accept. After 8 years, I still feel like a foreigner living in a country where I am supposed to be naturally assimilated into the majority.
As soon as I arrived in London, I was overjoyed, not because I soon had a date with the theatre, but because I didn't have to make any effort to communicate. I didn't have to think too much. No, I didn't have to think at all. I had the same easygoing feeling when I'm in Singapore, but alas, that particular culture isn't part of what I grew up with. It was easy in Singapore, but it wasn't ecstasy. London would be different. I had spent time in Oxford when I was a teenager and I used to spend summer holiday there before my French was proficient enough to step into France. I have some fondest memories from that city - my first ciggie, my first adult drink, my first crush, my first theatre experience, my first strip bar (don't ask, I was young, and it was utterly hilarious), my first film festival, my first encounter with celebrity, my first everything. Of course, none of these "firsts" would have happened in Vancouver because I dared not to. I was a pretty regular teenager, and everything happens to a teenager during the first trip abroad on his/her own. That's why I was overjoyed. Not only my brain was able to relax linguistically and culturally, it was reminicing all the first moments.
It's for the same reasons that I feel rather sad at the moment. I want to share all this with others but most would just deem these experiences as what a spoiled brat would have. I'll admit that I'm a spoiled brat but that's why my life is now unexpectedly more difficult to get through than previously estimated. I feel even more depressed when I realise that on the linguistic level, I am still trapped. Honestly speaking, I'd prefer speaking in English everyday since that's what I'm about. I can do French during work, but I want to do English during my pause. I don't want to do Mandarin Chinese. I don't find the Chinese language interesting. I only speak it as a tool to get by life. I never dream in Chinese. I lose my sense of humour in Chinese and I can't figure out its logic. One may say that I'm betraying my "mother tongue" and that I should feel ever so lucky to know how to speak Chinese. For me, a language learnt during childhood is a tool to express more clearly what an infant desires. Any language learnt afterwards is by choice, either due to appreciation or obligation. I am not an infant anymore and my ties to my own family are thin. In fact, I don't even talk to them (that's a completely different matter). English for me was learnt due to obligation, but since all my "firsts" as well as follow-up growing up period are linked to English, it has become most of me. It isn't fair to say to me that I have to know about the local culture in Taiwan (thus knowing and speaking more Chinese) because I am the citizen here. A passport doesn't represent a person's personality nor ideas.
Like I said, I'm only using Chinese to get through daily life because I'm obliged to do so. However, it is my childhood language and speaking it makes me feel like an infant. I speak it to express what I want but not how I really feel. Even speaking with friends in Chinese isn't the same as in English. A lot of efforts are required and I can go so far with what I have in mind. Even if I did have a chat with friends in English, their reaction isn't the same as anglophones. This means frustration on my part, because I am unable to convey my real message with humour. I am rather humourous but not in Chinese. I am considered serious, uninteresting, or simply "foreign" by local friends. I can be funny, knowledgeable, and even fruity (yes, that is part of me). That only happens in English (not even in French, I don't want to double the fruitiness).
When it comes to expressing more serious matters, like sentiments, I'm totally lost. I have learnt nothing about this in Chinese. I don't even know the 101. I'm still in pre-school. It's not because I'm stubborn or afraid. It's simply the lack of communication tool. That's why I have repeatedly given up.
With two great friends already gone to different cities in 2009, I'm dreading this new year.
Then, once I got to level 4 or 5, I realized that something was odd with Mario's actions. Look at this clip taken on my TV screen
最近也煩一件不想再煩的事害我一直吃甜點. 所以又把上次買的抹茶蛋糕拿出來全部吃完. 反正吃了也不會胖. 
